Today I was thinking about distinguishing between the urges of “true” creative passion versus the urges of fear, and how being able to tell the difference is important in deciding how to respond.
Urges of creative passion are what I would call sincere and somewhat sudden urges to express yourself in some creative manner — maybe just improvising a song or free writing a poem. They can also be non-urges — i.e. those times when for whatever reason something that you were feeling passionate about is no longer doing anything for you.
Urges of fear are what I would call things like when you semi-consciously think, “oh, this is hard… think I’ll stop”, or, “what if I fail? that would suck, better not…”
And for me these two urges are really hard to tell apart some time. So… follow your heart? Ok, my heart is scared shitless so I guess that means I better hide under a rock!
The question for me is, when I suddenly feel passionate about something, is it coming from a ‘sincere’ desire to express myself through that thing, or is it something less empowering, like a desire to distract myself from something else?
When I am preparing a new song for a big show, I usually practice it over and over and over. At some point I usually feel like I lose my passion for it, and at those times I feel so tempted to say, “I should follow my heart! This song just isn’t really MEANT for me! It’s not truly expressing who I am!” Then while I’m taking a break I’ll mess around with a new song, which I’ll suddenly feel so excited about. “AH! THIS is what I’m really about! THIS truly expresses how I’m feeling! I should follow my heart and do THIS song instead!”
Unfortunately, as real as those emotions feel, I don’t think they are as “profound” as I’d like to believe. The truth is I’ve just practiced the first song over and over and lost the feel of it, and this new song offers so much instant variety because it’s new and immediately attractive as a distraction and an alternative.
But there are times when my heart is sincerely and deeply trying to tell me to go in one direction or another, not out of fear or distraction, but out of courage to really express myself. I’m slowly learning to tell the difference, and to follow my heart! Sometimes…
